Being a man and being ‘different’ - Neil Lawrence, fifty50 Partner Coach.

You know when you're 'different’. You get this look and realise too late whatever you just did or said was not part of the social script. 

I experience many of these moments. 

For example, when I tell people I was housebound well before lockdown or when people ask me how long I've been married or how old my kids are, and I reply, 'I'm not married and don't have kids.’

We are brought up to make many assumptions about each other, referring to people based on class/social status/race etc. All of these so-called 'norms' can cause distress if you're not part of the club.

So, it is no surprise that male mental health in the workplace is a particularly tricky area. Blokes aren't supposed to talk about their feelings. Admitting you're experiencing discomfort rather than soldiering on is still seen as a sign of weakness. Falling apart is seen as weird, unprofessional and dammit all, unbritish!

Take this example from my own experience. 

I was in the atrium at work in the middle of a full-on PTSD episode, with a friend and work colleague on the receiving end of a particularly explosive rant. Despite all her wellbeing training and compassion, this was too much for her, and she ended up shouting back, "YOU'RE MAD!" At this time, my PTSD was undiagnosed, misunderstood and easily triggered. 

There have been many times over my twenty-five-year career when my skillset was questioned, belittled, or dismissed. I am neurodivergent and a "left-brain, creative thinker" whose been working in a right-brained logical world. I learned that when I got given that look, the one that said I had just landed from Mars, my capabilities were about to be challenged. I believed there was something wrong with me, and I didn't measure up as a man. Over time these professional experiences rubbed away my protective layer of skin. I tried to raise how I felt, only to be told my reflections were 'unprofessional’, ‘not relevant’ or that 'I was ‘taking things personally’. I felt further pushed away, marginalised, and my mental health took a beating. 

Ironically, my role at the time was a wellbeing coordinator, working in a fast-paced environment, supporting the wellbeing of a large number of employees. The culture, despite a solid and successful feminist influence, was stereotypically male. The prevailing employee mindset was to get on with it and that working yourself so hard, to the point of becoming ill, made you a warrior suffering for the cause. Sharing feelings and talking about wellbeing in a hierarchical organisational culture favouring a stereotypical male environment was challenging. I became lost. Had I known then what I know now, I would have seen I was the wellbeing accident waiting to happen.

Mental Health In My Workplace

In a desperate attempt to fit in, I internalised the erroneous stereotype that 'real men' should not talk about their feelings. I was happy to advocate and support other men to express and develop their emotional intelligence but unable to walk my talk. I am a gay man, and I don't have any interest in football (I also have no interest in show tunes, but that's another post), yet when I found myself in complete crisis at work, I felt unable to speak out. 

My anxious attachment style compounded my need for acceptance and validation, which led to trauma, and I believed I had to battle this silently. Continuously experiencing this, along with some good old-fashioned workplace bullying, led to my PTSD diagnosis. It was because of those twenty years my inner 'bloke' critic, happily colluding with the bullying and impacted by the organisational culture, proved that I wasn't a real man. Because a real man could carry on. I was afraid of being 'found out' or being accused of not working hard enough and failing to support others. It was a breeding ground for paranoia. By the time I graduated from deterioration to trauma, I was unsure my workplace believed what was happening. They took action to support my physical health, but my mental health went largely unsupported - I was the wellbeing lead after all. Indeed I should have all the tools to fix myself?!

Remaining in this environment did me no good. Toxic work environments are dangerous places, and I was complicit in the decision to have stayed there for so long. You have to want to leave. It took me almost two years of feeling 'different' before it became such an issue at work it impacted my mental health. After all, I was a 'bloke', wasn't I? 

What Others Can Do

As time has passed, I have realised it didn't have to be that way, and it doesn't need to be that way for others. There are supportive structures that do support male mental health in the workplace:

First, it helps if multiple people know how to recognise signs of emotional distress and respond, rather than seeing outbursts negatively or, in my case, as gay, diva tantrums. Meeting pain with compassion is the most wonderful single gift anyone could offer. Make time to check-in with colleagues, find out if they're feeling ok and, if necessary, do something to get that person out of the workplace, give them an opportunity to speak up safely. 

Second, workplaces will benefit from being creative when formulating wellbeing policies. A policy should balance the needs of a job role against the wellbeing of all employees.

Third, the culture of a workplace should include key wellbeing messages targeted to male employees. Messages which normalise feeling stressed and position speaking out and seeking support as a positive thing to do. I also believe that male mental health compassion is the single key ingredient that will help make a difference. 

Fourth, male mental health issues do not affect only 'other' men, or 'weaker' or 'less professional' or even gay men. Mental Health affects ALL men. As a man, I can tell you that we, all men, need support to speak out and get in touch with our emotions, especially if we are to move forward with our mental health. We have social barriers to deconstruct. Hiding behind the armour of toned and muscled bodies and appearing all machismo is not enough to feel good about our mental health.

Coaching for Male Mental Health in the Workplace

One way of improving male wellbeing in the workplace would be to invest in mental health coaching and consultancy. All coaching has significant wellbeing benefits and provides all employees (not just men) with a supportive, confidential space to unpack challenges. 

This thought piece is a candid account of my personal experiences at work as a man who has had mental health challenges. I do not claim to represent all men, gay men, neurodivergent populations, or wellbeing professionals.