Lauren McQuade - Befriending my inner critic: why I need to and how I do it.

I’m sure many of you will have seen the American documentary ‘Super Size Me,’ when  independent filmmaker, Morgan Spurlock, lives on food from McDonald’s for 30 days straight.  Even if you haven’t seen it, it won’t come as a surprise that in one month, he gains nearly two stone in weight and suffers some scary side effects, including negatively affecting the health of some of his vital organs! 

In the same way that eating a poor diet can impact our physical health - how we look, feel about ourselves and how we perform, I consider our thoughts in a similar way. For as long as I  can remember, my inner world was plagued by a highly active inner critic, feeding me regular ‘junk food’. i.e. self-deprecating, self-defeating thoughts, which negatively affected my mental health. Behind a happy and positive exterior, my relationship with myself was far from  

rosy - excessive levels of self-criticism contributed to chronic stress and, ultimately, in my mid 20s  mental ill-health. 

Just like eating McDonald’s regularly can become an addiction, and Morgan Spurlock discovered when he started to crave it after some time, so too has listening to my inner critic become a dangerous and unhealthy habit. During my adolescent and early adult years, the negative voice in my head was what I thought I needed to perform. It was always telling  me ‘how much more I had to do, what I hadn’t done well enough, and what was going to happen  to me if I didn’t do better.’  

Our inner critics don’t just exist for the sake of it. They have a particular purpose - to keep us safe. As human beings, we are hardwired for survival, not happiness. Our critic’s goal, just like that of an overly critical parent, is ultimately to protect us and help us thrive. This in itself isn’t the issue; it’s the way it goes about it that can be harsh and even downright cruel. 

I have had to make peace with my critic over the past couple of years, I know that must sound crazy, but it’s true. When I became more aware of it, I fought it, but as Albert Einstein once said, ‘Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.’ 

Despite how I might feel, my inner critic isn’t a ‘bad guy’ who’s out to get me and make my life unpleasant. Its goal is to shield me from harm, and in the scheme of life, that’s no bad thing; you could even go so far as call it admirable. But I’ve come to realise that listening to it too often, just like eating one too many Big Macs, definitely isn’t good for my health. 

So what can I do about it? 

Here are five key things I have learned to help me to keep my critic under control: 

1. Acknowledge its presence - very often, we’re not even tuned in to this voice in our head. It’s going on in the background, affecting the quality of our life, and we’re unaware of it. The first step is becoming conscious of it - what language does it use? Tone? In what situations does it tend to become most active? 

2. Thank it - yes, that’s right, thank it! Ultimately our inner critic is like a frightened child craving reassurance. We need to acknowledge what it is doing for us, not judge it and then move on  swiftly to the next step 

3. Reassure that you are ok, and while its help is not needed, it is still appreciated

4. Develop its antidote - your compassionate self. And this is where the fact that too many  McDonalds can be addictive comes in. Most likely, your compassionate self is an underdeveloped part of you, and like any new habit, it takes time. You’ll miss ‘your old self critical ways’ at first; you might even still get cravings for that old way of thinking because it's familiar, but this new part of yourself will help you create new neural pathways brain with time and practice.

5. Make a decision each day that you are going to be loving and supportive towards yourself. Trust me; your inner critic will do its absolute best to get back in pole position but don’t give in to it, keep turning those inner thoughts to the positive - take it a day at a time or less than that is necessary. But remember, don’t turn it into a fight with your critic but rather a civilised negotiation! 

Thanks to my own lived experience of mental health difficulties helping others achieve positive mental health, developing their self-compassion skill have become my life’s work. I do it because of the hugely transformative effect it has had on my own life. Befriending my inner critic has been a considerable part of this. It has brought more joy, new opportunities and greater creativity into my life. Developing my compassionate self has also encouraged me to take more risks and step outside my comfort zone. Writing this blog is one example! It has also given me the tools I need to build an inner reservoir of support and a feeling of security that has long eluded me. I think this is so needed for so many of us, at times like these.  

I hope that befriending your inner critic will be the first of many self-compassionate gifts that you can give to yourself.